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Eternal Scroll

3 minutes read

welcome to raw&uncut diary entries.

26.08

26.08  
Koh Phangan, Thailand

More shapeshifting shit

Being alive is trippy in too many ways but one of them is encountering people from your past and realizing THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON.

! almost like they're making such a big effort to STAY in character.

"You've changed sooo much" LOL bitch thanks ! wouldn't it be fucking crazy if I didn't??

I read something about the 3 perceptions that create validation: first, there's the perception of yourself, then comes YOUR perception of how other people perceive you based on that perception of yourself, and the third one would be your reaction to that perception of others of you (YOUR perception of their perception) ~ so almost like a feedback loop where you are the only one that iterates it!?

Absurd. Consistency is ruining society. And you're reading this from a graphic designer that does visual branding.

But the good news is that the antidote to everything is ALWAYS the shapeshifting mindset!

It feels like we spend half of our lives building our personality, and the other half defending it, because OH we worked SO hard to build it. "That's not something that I would do" "oh I'm just not that type of person" etc etc. The antidote to everything is always the shapeshifting mindset huh.

3.06  
Pushkar, India

Latinidad

Qué decir de ti? Extrañaba esa latinidad mutua. Esa obsesión de piel con piel. Lo supe desde que nos miramos. Creamos algo increíble anoche pero ~ por primera vez ~ sentí una fuerza mayor que me dijo “déjalo así”. Por eso no me despedí ni te dejé mi numero esta mañana. No lo malinterpretes – tenía todas las ganas del mundo de despertarte y reanudar, pero poco a poco estoy aprendiendo a contener mi energía.

Me siento cambiada, siento que ya no busco esa explosión química, sino una conexión – estoy empezando a entender que si la conexión sí existe, si en efecto se termina creando, entonces meterle más corriente puede causar cortocircuitos.

22.05
Delhi, India

Nueva lista para escribir

As we kissed each other goodbye over and over and over
and over
Every minute felt like its own eternity that was just not long enough.
Harrison playing in the background faded out to the sound of our foreheads touching, merging, speaking their own language of goodbyes, too.

After he walked out the door I had the novel and unknown feeling of being alone.
The novel and unknown feeling of realizing that, for the first time, I was all by my (S)elf.
As in, the (S)elf was sitting right next to me, and I knew that if I would have tuned my head and looked at her she'd cheekily wink at me and said "finally".

I had this moment of distortion between the experiencer and the experience :: of the self and the Self.
And it was hell, but it was bliss. These blurred lines dried the tears down my cheeks, chest, belly.

And then I knew exactly what he meant. Every threshold point of my journey, every time I could have said fuck this shit I'm turning back, every gate guardian has shown me once more that I want this more than anything in the entire universe. That every obstacle is the universe asking me to prove if I really want it that bad.

I knew that no matter how much it burns at times I'll keep walking through the flames of my ardent desire to follow my own path.

27.05
Pokhara, Nepal

Processing Annapurna

21 days around the biggest mountain rage in the world :::::: what the fuck was that?? was that a glitch, or did we slip into a portal back in time and returned to this realm in one piece? did it actually happen?

I feel like at some point of the trek the scale started to distort :: the lines that define where my body ends and where the mountain starts began to blur. The oneness hit differently up there: at some point my heart syncs into the Annapurna's heartbeat.

Slowly, surely, the path takes a turn inwards. Shit ::: I've been walking inside of my self !! my veins become the trail and the river merges with my own stream of consciousness.

My "own?" dot dot dot lol, this is a whole other chapter.

& then there's the silence. I mean, fuck – what can I say about the loudness of the silence up here?

Blank state. I've been the vessel for this mountain to experience herself for the past 21 days. And "I"? HA. I completely lost myself inside the mother of all mountains, only to find myself when I would feel here thinking the same thing.

I look at the mountain and she looks back at me. Her soft gaze telling me this is not the first time she's felt me before. And I feel an overwhelming mania that I've done this a million times before. That consciousness doesn't end where the body does.

Mother matrix Most Mysterious: this question will always energize me when I look back to these wild days: who was truly exploring who? The universe always finds it's cheeky ways to wink at you if you stay curious.

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